Author: Gary Jackson

Forgiveness, Apologizing, and Taking Responsibility: Real vs Fake

On the surface, making amends might sound as simple as offering a sincere apology for your treatment of others, but there’s more to this cornerstone Twelve Step practice. There are many profound differences between giving someone an apology and making amends with them. Simply put, an apology is like putting a band aid on a wound; it covers the source of the pain until it eventually disappears. When you make a sincere apology to someone that you’ve hurt, it makes you both feel a little better but it doesn’’t really do anything to correct the situation that you have caused.

The Power of Making Amends in Relationships

Unavoidably, people interact with one another and are sometimes hurt or hurt others. Living Amends is a positive way to display to others and to prove to yourself that you have evolved from the person that you used to be. Living amends is a promise to yourself that you have made a genuine lifestyle change. This is a marked end to the destructive patterns that you have been living with and a beacon for change and prosperity. Direct Amends deal with taking personal responsibility and confronting the person whom you want to reconcile with.

They feel ashamed or even guilty that they were hurt. When this person grows up, they are terrified of accepting that they did something wrong because they were unjustly treated in similar situations in the past. So as adults, people like that tend to avoid and deflect responsibility, sometimes to the degree of severe narcissism and sociopathywhere they dont even see others as human beings.

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In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care. Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles. Making amends with somebody is a crucial part of your personal growth and of their healing process.

Living Amends

It doesnt stop people from saying, I forgive you and acting as if nothing happened, but usually these are the same people who tend to blame themselves for how they were mistreated. They will justify the abuser and blame themselves to the degree to which they are blind to it. False forgiveness is epidemic, and it only makes the problem worse. Just go to the person and say, “I’m sorry.” But hasn’t everyone had the experience of having that inadequate apology thrown our way? Usually, it isn’t really satisfying, nor does it take away the concern that the person is simply trying to get you to leave them alone or forget about what just happened.

Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are. We are only in control of our part—making and living the amends. As with alcohol and other drugs, we are also powerless over other people. We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments. No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress.

What is making amends in addiction recovery?

The urge to make amends arises when we have dared to face the reality of our impact on others. It arises when our hearts yearn to relieve their suffering or when we dedicate ourselves to not causing further suffering. Be willing to listen to the other person’s point of view. They might not forgive you right away, and that’s okay. Integrating the power of nature and evidence-based care to treat addiction and co-occurring disorders with detox, residential, and outpatient care.

Forgiveness, Apologizing, and Taking Responsibility: Real vs. Fake

  1. Finally, when we can be accountable and make amends, we are forced to face our humanness.
  2. After all, connection is the cornerstone of healing.
  3. You need to find the approach that works best for you.
  4. It takes time and courage to listen with an open heart.
  5. Amends often include apologies, but they go beyond words.
  6. They feel ashamed or even guilty that they were hurt.

Self-forgiveness is often not even possible, and certainly cannot be complete, until we have in some way made amends to those we’ve injured. Making amends is not for satisfying an external standard of morality. Rather, it is an expression of our belonging to the world and our own hearts.

Direct Amends

Making amends can help you repair your relationships. However, there are situations where it might not be appropriate. If approaching the other person opens up old wounds or re-traumatizes them, making amends isn’t advisable. If interacting with someone re-traumatizes you, or increases your risk of relapse, you might want to reconsider approaching them. When you avoid acknowledging your mistakes, they fester into guilt and remorse. You end up trying to avoid the other person because it hurts to face them.

Amends often include apologies, but they go beyond words. Making an amend means taking accountability and action to repair any damages done. Through these restorative actions, you demonstrate your commitment to change. Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. When we harm others, we harm ourselves in the process, and rationalizing or defending only makes us feel worse.